Tennessee Legislature considers ban on bread

[johnharris]

Bread Kills! Bread Kills!

Tennessee legislature expected to introduce new emergency legislation
to address clear statistical evidence and protect children from bread.

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For
example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
- 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread
within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all
the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat.
The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

15. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Henri "No Pledge" Brooks and Handgun Control, Inc., sensing the real and perceived potential for possible harm to children ages newborn to 30 years of age are planning to redirect all of their resources and propoganda from the battle to ban so-called "stupid" guns (because they cannot tell the difference between their owner and a third person) to fully energize the fight to protect children from the conjured up obvious and unacceptable harm caused by bread and wreckless individuals who just leave bread lying around the house easily accessible to unsupervised children. Plans are to implement child access prevention technigues such as raising all tables and countertops to a minimum height of six feet, banning plastic bags in favor of steel storage boxes with multiple combination locks and flashing lights, and limiting bread purchases to one loaf per month. The BATF is considering new regulations to limit the sale of bread to children and to require all bread purchases to complete background checks and sign statements under penalty of perjury that they have never given bread to a child who was not under adult supervision at all times. Other plans are to ban the private manufacture of bread so that all bread sold in this country can be bar coded external, have taggant raisins or similar markers cooked in and therefore traced from the original licensed manufacturer to a licensed adult. The Department of Homeland security plans to ban all bread products not manufactured in this country or Mexico.

[marauder]