Tips to make life simple

[johnharris]

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive
car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control
up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the
road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping
them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your
bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in
which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat
and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
The following morning you can create the effects of
hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.